March 9, 2015

Deepest shade

I can’t remember the last time music hit me this good.


And it hit me like a delayed-response drug. A day later. Amping up to a week later, reverberating, echoing. Calling for more, and hurting like shit when more is played. It took awhile for music to soak through the layers of sensory overload.


I was almost a no-show because the locale involved brushing against some old stomping grounds that I was reluctant to revisit. I could feel everything but myself. The respectful bubbling of the crowd, the sticky floor under my boots, the 548 number from the coatroom in my pocket, the flickering projection screen in the back of the stage, the uneasy dance because it ought to have been a sit-down event really. The red Austro-Hungarian cavalry barracks bricks housing a few hours of collective beauty, allowing amplifiers and cigarette smoke to infuse them from within, a fate that was never meant for them.


I listened. I took it in. I put it away for later. I was feeling everything but myself.


There is something about these fifty-year-olds with whiskey in their voice and Bible in their lyrics. The high-contrast greyscale of the world they paint, of the ghosts they turn into, of the purposefully turned-off spotlight above their heads. Those who do not look like themselves if anything less than an emaciated, hunched-over, haggard version of how they were brought into this world.


He was tired. Melancholy. The kind of quiet that comes after too much of something else. I invoked a dead man’s name that triggered degrees of separation in motion. My now life, in two places, if not more. My man, the artist, and the dead man, connected somewhere in the past. My three lifetimes ago, promises sworn and broken and a little girl who was loved and sung that song to. The Pacific Northwest that I will return to someday, just like the Palazzo Venier dei Leoni sculpture garden will see me again, and like I have to see Firth of Forth once more.


Just like the music, my own healing was delayed. No amount of my penance could offset the fact that my grief would be denied, until it could separate itself from its consequences. I feel like I have been holding my breath for seven long years. Like I have been feeling everything but myself, owing everything to everyone because that made me feel a worse kind of better. Or perhaps it is like that childhood drawing game where you trace an invisible groove on paper, then lay a crayon sideways and add a coat of color on top of the grooves, and watch the pattern underneath appear. Perhaps there is no way to trace our being other than to cross the lines, over and over. Perhaps there is only music, and the Bible, and greyscale.


  1. Oh my. Chris, your writing is as layered as the silty bottom of the deep blue sea. I could read and re-read this and endlessly stumble upon heart-hitching surprises.

    " Like I have been feeling everything but myself, owing everything to everyone because that made me feel a worse kind of better."

    Holy fuck!
    You amaze me.

    1. Thank you so much, my gorgeous friend. After 120 pages of dissertation work and 100 pages of translation, my fingers were frantically itching to type a different kind of substance, and my mind is still a stampede of backlogs elbowing their way to the front, do me next! write me next! Can't promise that they will all come out the way they're supposed to, but I will try...

      I've missed your potty mouth. Big hugs.

    2. Big hugs back to you. Kick dissertation butt!


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