December 12, 2012

The big reveal


I would like to share something with you.


Some of you may have figured it out already, not that it was a secret. I just feel that it’s time to add a new detail to the love story that I have been living and writing about. Let you in on the joke, as my soul mate would say.


I loved him before I met him.


Then I met him, and I really loved him.


He was a reader before he was my friend.


I was a confidante before I was his lover.


There will be time, there will be time, to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet.


A year too early, I would have been a puppy, all too easily sucked in by his gravitational pull and never registered on his radar screen. A year too late, I might have been tied down by ropes that life sometimes throws at us; ropes that make you forget that you once had different dreams for yourself. Looking back, someone or something was definitely in a hurry to rearrange some tracks and construct an intersection that would not fail. He got thrown off the path he had chosen, and I had a brick slammed on my gas pedal to speed me up.


In the summer of 2010, I arrived in the States, and he went into exile from his former life. He moved down to the water, I started writing about water. I got a crash course in self-knowledge and intercontinental male-female pathology; he taught himself to live all over again. I started writing about the heartache and chaos in my soul; he wrote out his loss and way back.


I shall skip over the details of our beautiful dance between then and now, and leave them for future posts. Instead, I give you him.





It’s funny, really. I have been fiddling with this blog post for some time now. While I was editing and tweaking and gargling words, my gorgeous man got to typing and beat me to the punch. We have now outed each other, and it makes me totally wet in the pants to think about what we might create together between our two blogs. Sometimes you don’t even have to leave the room for love to find you, and sometimes you have to cross an ocean. Sometimes, it’s both.


Do me a favor.


This man is the best writer I have met since I started blogging. When you go over there, and I know you will, please start at the beginning, and read everything. Take your time, because it won’t be easy. It will be painful. It will make you cry. It will feel like your insides are being torn out. It will make you rethink everything you ever thought you knew about love. But it will be worth it, because that’s how fucking good he is. You will come out redeemed. You will learn to live, and love, with him – and me – all over again. And you will be just as proud to know him as I am to be his girl.


Murdoc baby, you’re up.



  1. Being as I am, a "Blog Writer" in my own right, I have often wondered if this indeed was possible..."To meet One's Great Love somehow BEFORE you meet" (I love the irony and intrigue of just writing that!). BK (Before Kim) it occurred to me that perhaps...just maybe I would write my way to Ms RIGHT...never happened of course but I did meet some amazing friends along the way and I'll take that, for sure.

    After jumping over and checking out some of his writing now I blanche because there are now 2 more people who make me feel like a total POSER and Amateur when it comes to writing.

    Of course that won't stop me or even slow me down but it does contribute to the writer's Inferiority Complex I am working on, BIG TIME. I jest really...I'm completely turned on by good writing and frankly...there is not nearly enough of it in this Big Ole World as it is so "The Doc" is a welcome addition to my regular reads....

    So Happy this has all come down this way for you. Perhaps that joint project will come together after all if you can only get used to permanently wet pants....

    One last confession...Not sure I am ready to start "reading from the beginning...'.

    1. He is good, isn't he? :) My only wish is that I could bring a bigger followship to his blog, because great writing deserves to be shared.

      I love your honesty in saying that you might not be ready to read from the beginning. Knowing you for some time now and seeing how you respond to emotions, ideas and imagery, I would also have to say that you would probably get it at a level that's in a league of its own. I might be biased of course, but I remember every word of his hitting me like a freight train, that's how intense it was for me. So you might want to take your time with it.

      For me, your writing absolutely shines in your 'memories' of The Great War and the essays about history and love that you also share on occasion. Even in your daily chronicles (and you post a lot!), there is always a sentence or a paragraph that shakes and stirs the reader, as I have shared in the comments section.

      As for writing one's way to love... anything is possible. People meet in online situations every day in this globalized world of ours, purposefully or not. I have also used writing as a means of expressing emotions to loved ones ever since I can remember. From birthday cards to love letters (my first one I wrote when I was nine, LOL) to actually exchanging notebooks/keeping a joint diary with a friend a long time ago. It was not part of the idea with this blog, but this is where life throws its best curveballs I guess.

      Thank you for this heartfelt comment, and for being here so consistently. I wish you and Kim all the best. We'll all stay tuned to see what comes next in each others' lives :)


    2. You are much too kind....but the compliments are much appreciated. I believe that the whole premise of Shell Shock, of capturing the daily life/routines and emotions/feeling that goes with it, can actually act to discourage good writing because of the emphasis on time and capturing life "as it is". Translation: It means I try hard not to re-write much of it....I go for the first take.

      I also think the sheer volume of material can overwhelm people and it can be a chore to wade through so much material to find the GEMS. But as you are kind enough to point out...they are there....glittering in the shadows.

      Very recently I have started re-posting work...something I hadn't ever done before. My sole reason for doing so is to bring some of those "every day" posts that I believe are really good or are VERY significant to who I am, to the light of day.

      I am not sure how we stumbled onto each others blogs but I see it as so valuable in that I get to go "inside" other people's heads, share their emotions...what an honor and a responsibility to have such access and to GRANT it to others. I have added other blogs from your site to my regular reads and now THE DOC joins the fray.

      There would have been a time that your comments about my taking time with his work and that I might "get it" at a level that is in a league of it's own would have scared the shit out of me because you are absolutely correct on both counts. In the past I would never let ANYONE get to know me that well and now a total stranger (who is also a very close friend and confidant, of sorts) knows my inner-most thoughts, feelings and desires among other things. And I totally think it's's an amazing thing, this blog society we are developing, nurturing and inventing. It has become part of what saves me from myself...each and every day!

      But I were absolutely dead on about why I wasn't sure I want to "go there" with his work right now. I feel this way about other works of genius and intensity. People who live every ounce of their lives to the fullest extent frighten me because they are too like me inside and I wonder if I hitch a ride on their words if they might take me too far and I won't ever get back home.

      I am not sure about much but I am most certain I am not ready for that trip as of now...perhaps some day...and maybe sooner rather then later.

      Don't you love how a simple "Thank You" becomes....SOMETHING ELSE!?

    3. Well then, you can start by following his most current posts, because they are about ME :D I'm kidding, of course. But you are absolutely right. There is not one superfluous or misplaced word in all of his writing, and that makes even the latest posts, which are about rebirth after a long winter, so heavy and intense.

      I also agree with everything you said about your own blog. Many blog authors, whose work I stumble across and dismiss very soon, have no idea why they are blogging or what they would like to focus on. You, on the other hand, have a clear mission statement. Keeping that log, journal, or chronicle means a lot of writing, in all kinds of physical and mental states. It might feel messy sometimes, but you have the advantage of creating many entry points for different kinds of readers this way. My background and personal experiences have very few points of similarity with yours, yet there are thoughts and ideas that ring a bell regardless. I try to keep up with all my blogs, but sometimes life takes over and we miss out on things, so I think it's a great thing that you're reposting your best stuff to draw attention to it.

      Have a great day and thank you, again :)

    4. One thing you wrote really got my attention. You mentioned that there are very few points of similarity between our experiences and I would absolutely agree with that. Oddly that is a pattern with blogs I seems that the only thing I really have in common with these people is that we are still alive, we are human and we write about it.

      Then it hit me....That right there is more then enough reason to relate to bits and pieces of one another's lives. In life I have learned as much from people who are NOTHING like me as I have from folks with shared experiences. That is a very good thing too because let's face it: How many people are you going to find with my experiences, eh? Not many, that for sure.

      I relate, live and learn from PEOPLE...not just their experiences but from them. That learning is priceless and the reason I read other blogs when I can

    5. Agreed, and that's definitely the case with me. I follow people/writers who are versatile and don't focus on just one thing. It's because you choose to write about many things, apart from your path of recovery, that I am able to find points of relation.

      The cool thing about it is that it's not how things usually work. In 3D lives, we are bound to be surrounded by people with similar backgrounds simply because that's how life works - age, career, personal interests, reading tastes. It takes a bit of a leap, going to different places or picking up new activities or just being open to new things to meet people outside of that zone. Blogging is similar to a degree - mommy bloggers, cat bloggers, arts&crafts&photography people mingle and hang out. I've actually had to put quite a bit of effort to find the blogs that I follow, and guess what, they can hardly be put into a niche. I love that.

  2. Hi Chris,

    I shall now attempt a rather lame comment that will pale in comparison to the fine correspondent, thormoo, who articulated so eloquently. Indeed, also trying to compose myself realising that I'm not the best writer you have ever read since you started blogging, has brought a tear to my furrowed brow. Okay, fair enough. I would state that Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star, is the best darned writing creature in the wonderful world of blogs.

    Enough of that. You will know that not only do I admire your writing, but it seems I have somebody else to check out and be amazed at writing at its most magical. May your happiness blossom into a radiant flower of hope. I am truly happy for you both. You deserve some good times after so much trauma. Your friend, Gary :)

    1. Dear Gary,

      You are hilarious and you just brought a grin to my furrowed lip. That sounded awful but I refuse to delete it. And yes, Penny is a stellar literary genius that none of us would even imagine comparing ourselves to.

      Thank you so much for being here, and for all your positivity in the past, well, almost two years! I am glad Murdoc's writing has become part of your circle, it makes me proud to not only know many wonderful people, but nudge connections between them, too. I also apologize for making my verbalized presence scarce from your own blog lately, but I have been following (lurking? :)) in the background and making sure I don't miss anything. I hope that a happy resolution is on its way, and wish all the best to you, your son, and that unattainable writerly ideal, Penny. Have a beautiful day, my friend.

  3. Tip 'o the hat to you, Murdoc. Now that there are two of you, I shall feel twice as retarded reading the blogs of those minds I will never touch. Strangely enough, it's how I learn best.

    All good things to those who find the carrefour of time and courage.

    1. The man likes his mystique so I cannot speak for him (haha), but I am loving how this is turning out to be a conversation about writing. I couldn't have asked for responses more awesome than this. Thank you. For reading, for commenting, for the e-mails, for that lunch offer that I will definitely take you up on, hopefully soon. You are one kick-ass woman and one kick-ass writer, and you know it. Now go helicopter some kids!

  4. Love it. Looking forward to reading it.

    1. Thank you! Hope you are well yourself ;)

  5. Well yes, it did rather happen this way with me and a soulmate (I'm hoping you can have more than one, because he is thousands of miles away and firmly planted in a victim role, and I don't want to fill the holes in a yard of someone who won't dig out.) So there you have it. Five years. One blogger year, one close friend year, one intimate year of push and pull...and two trying to drag myself away from something I can't have and don't even know if I should or would. We had blogs together. It was great to share the writing bug with another great writer. The collaboration really fed me. Fed something. It was like setting up house, designing the room, then building furniture together that would fill it. I am so happy for the both of you. The big reveal. Very exciting. MOVE THAT BUS! I will follow :) I'm pretty depressed and non-participatory these days, but someday I won't be!

    1. What an intriguing creature you are, Unlocked.

      Here I am, naming my blog post "The Big Reveal," and in return I get the privilege of you sharing something like this? Thank you, humbly. I am absolutely stunned. If you ever feel that you might share a little more of that story with me, feel free to shoot me an e-mail or send a weblink. No pressure. Just fascination with the nature of human connection.

      It brings me joy to know that there is connection, and resulting in writing no less, like the one you describe, even if you aren't in a good place with it right now. I guess it's like any other community. If you have people with similar interests meeting and hanging out, it's only natural that relations and relationships form. And btw I love that sentence "I don't want to fill the holes in a yard of someone who won't dig out" :)

      "Soulmate" gets thrown around a lot and means many things to many people. I like it because it seems to describe an interception/intersection of souls, for whatever it's worth. Friendship, love, art, collaboration... and different stages of any and all of those. Yes, I do believe we all have more than one. The past few years for me have been a series of encounters with potential soulmates, almost as if life was telling me "Well there is this, and this, and this... and this, too. It's up to you to choose what you want, girl." I'm still chasing my own tail figuring out how to choose myself, but I will always choose him.

      Thank you. I would love for you to stick around some more.


I thrive on interaction. All comments are welcome and will be replied to.