December 31, 2012

2012: What have I learned?

Recently I went back to my 2012 horoscope and found it funny how things turned out quite close to the “predictions.” Now, my ego will always prefer rummaging through my natal chart to generic yearly BS, but I had to laugh out loud when I saw the Aquarian horoscope for 2013.


Apparently, the romance I have started at the end of 2012 will only keep on giving; “Putting up with a partner who does not honor and cherish my essence is a thing of the past;” and I might be “changing my residence.” Hm.


Career-wise, I seem to have spent the past few years “collecting the necessary research and finding a slew of inspiring mentors,” and it is now time to “get my genius concepts on the map where they belong.” Also, “Chances are that I am only living up to a fraction of my potential and yet doing incredibly well.”


Touché, Touché. We’ll talk in a years’ time and see who’s done what, mmmkay?


When the laughter subsided, what I saw were my plans as I had already formulated them in my head, written out by a stranger’s hand for the entertainment of the general public. Funny.


The hourglass of 2012 is just about down to its last grains of sand. There are recaps and stock-taking in the media, the blogosphere, and the private lives of friends and family. I really do not want to do mine, but perhaps I should. Perhaps I will be glad of it some decades down the line?


It is too early to gauge the magnitude of this year. Usually, my brain is about ten steps ahead of the rest of me, figuring things out and getting upset that cannot catch up with myself. It amazes me to see it take a back seat to emotions and intuition. This year I have felt on my twitching skin, behind my eyeballs, in the core of my stomach and my bitten, mangled cuticles. Compliments of bravery and expressions of admiration for whatever it is that makes the choices I made admirable, are appreciated and politely accepted, but have yet to be internalized. For now, they feel as if they should be meant for someone else.


I do not want to use big words for this. And I don’t mean long, I mean big.


I have learned that we are teachers to our parents. We may kick and scream about it or insist that it should be the other way round [OK, I kick and scream about it], but we force them to rise and grow from the moment we are born. And it is our most controversial choices that allow them to grow the most. I have learned that my parents know, understand, and support me better than I ever might have hoped for. I also hope that someday soon I can not only understand, but accept this role in their lives.


I have learned that what I used to call intensity, abrasiveness, emotional amplitudes or being high maintenance deflates so beautifully when one calls it a quest for transparency. Thank you, therapy.


This has been a year of many lasts and firsts. Last weekends, last conversations, last embraces. And first nights spent in one’s old bedroom, first vacations and celebrations as a single person, first job and conference applications as a changed woman, and first kisses. It’s funny how being part of a couple drapes you in some cloak of diminished accessibility, and how people seem to come out of the woodwork when they hear you are no longer attached.


I have learned that, though the universe might have rattled me like a snow globe, it never lost sight of my happiness. The people that I trusted before justified that trust by sticking by me. Family came through in ways that I will be grateful for until the end of my days. My body got rid of some ballast, and perhaps I ought to change my profile to “106 pounds of… something.” My life was purged of pressures and clutter, leaving space and permission for grief, healing, and rebirth.


I was blessed with a love of cosmic proportions, and the beautiful, generous heart of a man who is a magician with words and deeds, a templar and a gentleman, an artist and an angel. He writes me songs and sends love notes in my language. He dreams of me and tells stories of who I am and what I do to friends and family with endless pride and joy. Kissing that stranger is the most natural thing I have ever done.


Tell me about your year, friends. And the year to come, as you see it now, even if you don’t see it yet. Then meet me here in a year’s time to sit and laugh about it all. Be happy, healthy, and blessed. Be in love with life, with yourself, and one another. Thank you for being here.


  1. It was a true pleasure reading this post. Ultimately the reason I Blog is to be a better ME. Whatever it takes...writing about new discoveries, a confession, taking responsibility where I made a mistake, recognizing growth, sharing the pain and heartbreak of the past, etc...all are things that find there way into posts.

    I write about the only thing in which I am an expert: ME and my life and my reasons truly are positive and genuine. I want to grow and to live after a life-time of dying slowly in eternal agony...

    That is what I get from your posts Chris...TRUTH...your Truth. I will always find it fascinating when other people get honest about themselves and their lives. It never ceases to amaze me how similar people's thoughts and feelings can be even when on the surface as people they appear so different.

    People can blog about whatever they like and I have no issue with that, it is their prerogative. But I will always be drawn to the self-confessional, brutally honest observational style's real and that is why I prefer it.

    I learn so much from what others write about their literally changed the way I look at and accept other people. I used to always look for the differences in others I look for the similarities...the connections. I was, NO...I was SHOCKED to find out how many "connections" there really were.

    A couple observations. I love the line about being teachers to our parents. That was something I learned too by coming back and living with them at a later stage in life. I also appreciate how you aknowledge the support of your family. I had no clue how important they were to me until my life came completely apart...I could never have enough gratitude to truly express how I feel for them. I smiled when I read that part of your post...

    Certainly I appreciate your open and honest expressions of joy for your new love. There is nothing more hopeful in life then TRUE love. By writing about it, you have helped remove another layer of anger, bitterness and mistrust from this particular reader about the subject of love and relationships. I had gotten to the point where I no longer believed that kind of love actually existed anymore...IF it ever did. For some reason I believe you when you write about me, you did me a huge favor opening up about your feelings and your relationship to the point of even sharing this remarkable Soul with all of us. How cool is that?!

    Since I have already rambled on way to much already...I'll tell you about my year and the new year the same way I typically communicate with you my a post.

    Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR, Chris!

    1. Thank you, Thormoo, and a happy new year to you too!

      I could probably put a check mark next to every paragraph you just wrote, as I agree completely. But when I read "For some reason I believe you when you write about it," I went YES! That is exactly why I write a blog, and not a private journal. Well, there is a private journal, but that's beside the point... I have blogged about many difficult situations in my life, or at least difficult for me. I might have shared too much in certain moments, but I can tell you that I did it for a reason, and that I was never exploitative of my life for the purpose of exhibitionism or drawing attention. It was self-therapy and thoughtful feedback. And if I shared so much of the bad, then that is all the more reason to keep sharing all the good now that it is happening. There is a healthy dose of exhibitionism that came to me with this love, because I feel that the world becomes better and more beautiful when two people connect, and if any of it resonates with someone out there, that means the world to me.

      As for the parents, for a long time I felt guilty for forcing them to step out of their comfort zones. I never did anything "bad" to be clear, but I've always irked our nuclear family towards experiences that weren't a part of it. As a child I read books that my mom was skeptical of or even intimidated by; I wanted to study and live abroad, which they had not experienced to such big distances before; I got divorced, which was previously unheard of in their circle of family and friends. I felt bad because I thought it made them uncomfortable. But the truth is, they would not have grown if I had not (willy-nilly) posed those challenges. It's like my silly decisions (so small in the wide scheme of things, but so big for our nuclear community) showed them what they were capable of, and which otherwise they might not have found out. I may not be comfortable with the role of the ringleader, but I am proud of them.

      Finally, "to be a better ME" is one of the best reasons for blogging that I can imagine; blogging to create art would be another, and both are connected to being genuine, as you say. Awesome mission statement.

      Looking forward to your next post, and wishing you all the best. Thanks for being here.


  2. Wow, you've learned a lot this year! I wasn't terribly introspective at the end of the year... :) Happy new year!

    1. That's putting it mildly, Gia :))) I didn't want to write an overview of events, but rather of the effect they had on me. Thanks for stopping by, and a happy new year to you too!


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