September 5, 2012

Brackish water detox

These days I can be found working under a hundred-year-old oak tree at the sea shore, curled up in an old white Adirondack chair, books parading through my hands like lovers. If I told you that the bruises on my legs came from the weight of the volumes pressing my knees against the armrest, you probably would not believe me.


The oak’s branches reach all the way above water. As I wonder if it is the salinity that is making her leaves brownish and her branches droopy, she drops an acorn on my head to reassure me that she is already older than I can ever hope to be. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, hon.


I flip-flop across the freshly cut grass and the dewy leaves stick to my bare ankles like begging Gypsy children. I make my way to the wooden bench and the two Adirondack chairs, smiling all the way because they used to be on opposite sides of the bench, and now they are next to one another. I pull my legs up into a lotus position as I plant my ass on one of them, laying the book in my lap. My eyes follow the wooden pier as it stretches out into the water, adorned with a boat lift and another boat floating tied next to it, crab traps and boxes, spider webs and fresh seagull poop.


A group of cormorants will land on the water, and if the sun is at the right height they will resemble a bunch of downsized Loch Ness monsters. The solitary duck that comes and twirls its little webbed feet around, bobbing about in the sea grass, will get freaked out by what seems a random fish bite from below the surface. It will take him a few seconds before he can get his fat duck ass to lift up into the air, but he will quack his way to escape eventually. The giant rockfish head stuck on one of the thin pylons of the neighbors’ pier looks like a fat Cheshire cat to me. And oh boy is it grinning.


The yip of the osprey above will render me melancholy. The perfect amount of plaintive and joyful in their voices will never cease to amaze me.


I sit with my legs crossed and can feel my own pulse thumping right underneath my solar plexus. The chakra of personal power, yellow in symbolism as well as the bile it is capable of producing if unattended to. A pang around my right ovary makes me wince a little, clamoring for its own morsel of attention and reminding me that stress is a bitch. My sinuses won’t be ignored either so I sneeze like a donkey. The body that was screaming for so long for balance, some rest and finally some peace, has been treated so well that can hardly believe its luck as it lets its toxins evaporate.


You would be surprised at what you might hear if you tone the universe down for a second, and dare to listen in on yourself.


I have so much tension in me it’s not even funny.


The wheels in my head won’t stop turning.


Suspicion, distrust, defensiveness, passive-aggressiveness seem to be spilling over from one organ to the next, refusing to leave my system. My ego is an obnoxious little pussydog, most likely a Pekinese with Great Dane delusions. It yaps and bites and won’t give over even when slapped across the nose with the newspaper and told to sit in the corner for awhile.


My kernel is in danger of a meltdown, and it is all his fault. This house, and its one precious perfect inhabitant, are melting me down. What do you mean, you love me for who I am? Don’t you know that is next to impossible? How can you offer your home so freely and tell me it is mine to roost in and feel safe and comforted in? Aren’t I supposed to be permanently displaced? What do you mean, you love me unconditionally? Not even my mother is capable of that.


So I sat in the old Adirondack chair, next to the black water, talked to the ducks and read my book. I saw Ahab off down the ocean vortex one more time, that pitiful old fool and sad slave to his mania. I wept for him and for my own mistakenly chased white whales, wrongly barked-up trees and rotten eggs that I so meticulously collected in my basket for so long. Any other cheap metaphors you can think of?


This brackish water is doing me good. It is murky and full of sediment. There are undercurrents, sea grass and bottom feeders in it. But I’ll be damned; it hosts rockfish and ocean liners just as well as the deepest fathoms of the Atlantic do. And this rugged angel handles me better than anyone ever has.
Thank you, my love.


  1. A wonderful post and quite a challenge to this reader, I may add. Clever, innocent, intense and playful all wrapped into one tootsie roll of JOY on the Big BAY of the Salt Sea. Sounds like yer stayin' awhile...My Friend. My My...

    1. Thank you for picking up on all the different emotional hues, Thormoo. It's been quite overwhelming :) I will also be honest and say that nothing would make me happier than staying a little longer (or awhile :P), but there are governments to please and regulations to abide by... Upcoming months will be a challenge of patience, hard work, and keeping your eye on the prize.

      You ready for your son's wedding yet? :)

    2. Chris...that was not an easy read, let me tell you. What a fantastic piece of writing. It is hard to believe English was not your native language because you have absolute mastery of's a very good piece!

      I am ready for the wedding...the rehearsal dinner being held by your, my X tomorrow night is another story all together. Feel rather weird about it but hey...what can one do but go. It's harder to fake it now that I don't drink...It used to be I'd have 4 or 5 beers and didn't give a shit anymore now I have to be real...oh well, it will pass.

      I'm just not sure the rest of the family is as ready as I am but that's the way it goes some times...The wedding has a bit of International Flair and Government involvement as well. Ellie is a Resident Alien (She is a British Citizen as is her whole family. He folks live outside of London) though she has lived in the States for the last 18 years. Obviously marrying Ian changes her status a bit. Some of her relatives had issues getting over here I guess but all is ready Ihear.

    3. Hey T,

      If you don't mind me asking, what made it not an easy read for you? and again, thank you for the compliment. It always means a lot when something that I've written resonates with people.

      My new man and his friends are trying their best to ruin my English so that I can blend in better :)

      LOL about "it's harder to fake it now that I don't drink" and the whole "twin" thing. Hopefully you will have a sense of humor during the dinner as well. I'm all for international flair, as you know. As far as I know, the UK is a visa waiver country and there should be no problems getting into the U.S. I hope everything works out for the best and wish you a jolly good time!

  2. What a fantastic post. We might have been separated at birth, except for the whole European thing, as I'm also 5 foot 4, bruise easily, and I righteously suck at balance.

    Your words struck a chord with me too, and I kind of wished I could be under that tree with a big book in my lap and maybe just hang out and talk with you. :)

    Very nice to (cyber) meet you! I'm excited to come back.

    1. Thank you, Phoenix. There were other moments of resonance that I found on your blog, such as that little black four-legged monster, as I happen to own one myself :)

      Nice to meet you too. I make a mean Turkish coffee if you care to stop by again and talk about balance ;)

  3. My goodness, I adore the way you write.

  4. Beautiful post. I can so relate to the emotion because I am in exactly that same place right now.

    *Stopping by from Not Mommy Blogs*

    1. Thank you, Girlseeksplace. Just make sure to leave those cuticles alone ;) Hope to see you again.

  5. What pictures you, a movie reel. Bruised and blissful, absorbed in so much while simultaneously wringing yourself out. How could he love me thus? Not even mom can do that, or should you say not even I can do that. Yet. There it is. Ha! Why do we resist the lovely. Rhetorical question. We want everything but we won't admit to it. And there it is. Enjoy enjoy. Roll in it if you must, but take it all in. How gorgeous.

    I loved this poetic and raw, yet your steering mechanism was still in place.
    Set the sails and let the wind carry to where it will.
    Just so you know; I'm going to want photos.

    1. Hi Leah,

      Oh I do admit to wanting everything, I just get scared when it starts to look like I might actually be allowed to have it :)

      *looks up to the heavens suspiciously*

      We have in fact been taking some gorgeous photos, as Mr. Beau is a photography wizard and has a great eye. I'll flick through for some uncompromising ones and forward them if you like.

      I hope your own micro-universe is finding its balance. Once again, thank you for being here, my dear friend.

  6. I used to catch crabs in the Brackish water of Portsmouth Va. It was good times.

    1. I just had my first crabbing experience two months ago in Baltimore and loved it. Thanks for stopping by :)


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